* Oh, you don’t like the dumplings in the chicken & dumplings I spent all evening making? That’s alright- just throw them across the kitchen, one-by-one. They do look like little balls, after all.
* I’m a little hard of hearing. Can you please repeat yourself over and over and over again? Even when I’m pouring a glass of milk RIGHT in front of you, you should go ahead and ask another half dozen times, just to make sure I heard you.
* I like it when you mindlessly dump all the toys out onto the floor, followed by all the coats, shoes, books and diapers. The floor looks so bare, otherwise. Plus, I’m a bit of a thrill-seeker, and find delight in nearly breaking my neck by skidding across the floor when I step on Thomas the Train.
* You bet my nipples are detachable. You just need to clamp down harder while nursing. Doesn’t hurt at all.
* You’re right. Oliver does look a little young for his age. I think drawing a mustache on him with fireplace soot is a great idea!! (I mean, it worked so well when you wanted a unibrow).
* Behind the couch is an excellent spot to relieve yourself. Nevermind the living room smelling like an outhouse- wee away, little man!
* Sure, go ahead and finish off the remainder of brownies. I mean, just because I made sure to use dairy-free butter so I could indulge, doesn’t mean I actually wanted some. And besides, 9pm is an excellent time to induce a sugar high!
* I’m sorry, I couldn’t understand what you were saying in your normal, sweet, little-girl voice. Next time, try whining more. More? Heck, I mean constantly! Whine, whine, whine. I love whining. The louder, the better. Bonus points for when we are in public.
* Remember last week when you snuck into my purse and dug through my wallet? Yeah, that was funny. Especially how you took out only my debit cards, making me become paranoid, thinking they were possibly stolen. I had a blast searching the whole house, and couldn’t stop laughing when I pulled them out of the hole in the subwoofer speaker, along with a day-old peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Hi-lar-i-ous!
What things would YOUR kids never hear you say?