Friday, March 13, 2009

10 Things My Kids Will Never Hear Me Say

Shamelessly stolen from Inspired by Three Channels and Pancakes Gone Awry, here are 10 I'll never say to my children.

* Oh, you don’t like the dumplings in the chicken & dumplings I spent all evening making? That’s alright- just throw them across the kitchen, one-by-one. They do look like little balls, after all.

* I’m a little hard of hearing. Can you please repeat yourself over and over and over again? Even when I’m pouring a glass of milk RIGHT in front of you, you should go ahead and ask another half dozen times, just to make sure I heard you.

* Little more… little more… liiiittle more. There, that should do it! Thanks for helping pour the dish powder.

* I like it when you mindlessly dump all the toys out onto the floor, followed by all the coats, shoes, books and diapers. The floor looks so bare, otherwise. Plus, I’m a bit of a thrill-seeker, and find delight in nearly breaking my neck by skidding across the floor when I step on Thomas the Train.

* You bet my nipples are detachable. You just need to clamp down harder while nursing. Doesn’t hurt at all.

* You’re right. Oliver does look a little young for his age. I think drawing a mustache on him with fireplace soot is a great idea!! (I mean, it worked so well when you wanted a unibrow).

* Behind the couch is an excellent spot to relieve yourself. Nevermind the living room smelling like an outhouse- wee away, little man!

* Sure, go ahead and finish off the remainder of brownies. I mean, just because I made sure to use dairy-free butter so I could indulge, doesn’t mean I actually wanted some. And besides, 9pm is an excellent time to induce a sugar high!

* I’m sorry, I couldn’t understand what you were saying in your normal, sweet, little-girl voice. Next time, try whining more. More? Heck, I mean constantly! Whine, whine, whine. I love whining. The louder, the better. Bonus points for when we are in public.

* Remember last week when you snuck into my purse and dug through my wallet? Yeah, that was funny. Especially how you took out only my debit cards, making me become paranoid, thinking they were possibly stolen. I had a blast searching the whole house, and couldn’t stop laughing when I pulled them out of the hole in the subwoofer speaker, along with a day-old peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Hi-lar-i-ous!

What things would YOUR kids never hear you say?

14 comments:

Carrie said...

Oh, my goodness. Hilarious. I follow you on twitter, and your blog is so fun. :) I need to do this when I get back from my bloggy break- will probably be in April.

rainbowmummy said...

OMG this is your best post EVER, you are too freakin funny!

Lynanne said...

I laughed so hard at this, only because I can empathize with 99% of them :)

Jenn said...

This is great!! I couldn't help literally LOL!! And I hardly ever really LOL online. :0) THANKS!!
I will have to steal (uh...borrow) this and do it on my blog.

High Quality Mothering said...

Too funny... glad I know about your blog, cause I really needed the laugh today!
Also, that is why I chose you as a recipient of this Blog award that is called... "When Life Hands You Lemons..."
http://learningaspergian.blogspot.com/
Congrats!
Kelly
http://doulamomkk.blogspot.com

Laura said...

hehehe "detachable nipples"

I second Rainbowmummy.

Alayna said...

That is AWESOME!
I can totally relate! whine whine whine!

Melanie said...

Oh, this is too funny! Thanks so much for sharing. I appreciate the chuckles!

Jill said...

Oh, awesome. Really, it's great to have a glimpse into the future like this. Great post! Thanks for the laugh :)

Mommy Niri said...

Now this I loved reading! We have exactly the same humor style. Thanks for the fun read!

Montesecrets said...

Funny! Funny! and Funny! I could relate to most of those!

daddybookins said...

Thanks for the good laugh...not sure what to do with those 'detachable nipples' OUCH! Again thanks for sending me the link on twitter @PeasandBananas I'll check back often it's nice to see the other side of the 140 characters :o)

Lou Who said...

Wonderful blog - very funny!

Kimberley Aitken Salmons said...

Totally made me smile. Thanks for such a great post!